thats my life bitch..

im lost.

2009-12-23T17:19:00.001+08:00

sorrty for being lost for a long time. gosh so dusty man my blog. never mind. i will start blogging again. soon. so wait and catch up ayte. no worries. i would still be here. love you readers. :)

i will always..

2009-11-04T00:23:00.001+08:00

I've been in love before
but never quite like this
I've felt the burn before
but never this intense
I hope that you're 'the one'
that this is the end for me
I know that I don't want to run
and that says a lot to me
I'm in it for the long haul
I hope you feel the same
I wish that you could hear
the way my heart whispers your name
The way that it pounds
just from the sound of your voice
Everytime that I hear it
I simply rejoice
I want you to want me
the way that I want you
And believe in your heart
I'll always be true

i made this.

2009-10-29T16:29:00.000+08:00

"I remember that day when we came to know each other
We had a good chat and shared with all our views
That day and night, I could not sleep and kept on watching
all those stars in the sky and thinking of you
The moments we shared were so special and unforgettable
You were so shy and young to say or do anything about it
I felt that I was in love with you
I want to tell you that how much I love you
I want to tell you what I feel for you
I want to tell you that when I think of you my heart twist inside
But at that time I thought it was to soon to tell you
Since I was always busy with my son, I could not meet you
My days have past with your loving thoughts
I was counting my days to get back to you
and tell you what was stored in my mind for only you
I felt my warm of love with you would melt the winter snows
Suddenly I received a message from your friend
that you had an accident and died in the hospital
I was so shocked and a tear runs down my cheek
My dream with you was shattered and everything
I believed is not here, you have gone to heaven
I know deep in my soul that I will not see you until it's my time
Before I start my love with you, I have lost my love
Now I sit all alone in my room as memories unfold
May be you might hear my cry and beating of my heart in pain forever
I miss you my love where ever you are always"

-SyazieRebel

just you can i?

2009-10-29T15:29:00.005+08:00

"will you be the one to hold my hand and lead me to happiness?"

how i wish.

2009-10-27T11:39:00.000+08:00

missing you. and it happen. yes it did. i did not wish too. but it did. im all over myself now. how am i suppose too. never mind i know im strong enough to stand on my own. ilovedyou. do you still..?

my son turn 2months today. time flies so fast that ive watch him grow so fast. now im searching for a permanent night shift job. mummy witll be taking over him at night and me working in the night to find money to buy his stuff. how i wish things never happened. but there isnt any use of regrets as im kind off happy with life myself i guessed. im learning each and every pieces which shattered my heart throughout the exprience im through. my son his just so demanding and always expect me to be right next to him all time. and i hardly complete my chores at times. he will feel unsecure without me right by his side. but who cares no matter how demanding he can be i am still gonna be right by his side. i want to watch him grow till my last breath. son i love you and never will ever love anyone more than you. you're the apple of my eyes. the smile on my face. the joy in me. everything the reason comes from only you Aqeef Nufail. iloveyou.

"guys? how i wish things never been this way. but whats the use of regrets.

it leads you to nothing. but just keep on having sadness in your eyes.

but still i will still pray for the day that a sincere and faithful guy who would be mine.

till the last breath of mine. Dear Allah i pray to you and seek for your advice, to still stand strong and go through life with full of hopes & dreams. just like before. cause i know,

you're the only one who will know what i've been through."

got my new phone. :)

2009-10-26T10:46:00.000+08:00

at last got myself a new hp a phone ive been Aiming for. Wee.. Im jumping with joy now, wadeva i need in its all im the phone now. E63 nokia for all i know they got only 3 colours. But the luck of mine was there yesterday. Ive got myself a white one which just cme out several days ago. Weeehoooo.. Well im sorry that ive not been blogging this days.. As im busy with my daily lifestyle now. That im lazy to update nomore, well there isnt any intresting thing had happen to me the past few days. But yet, something bad happen.. Ok ckp ape ni?? Hahaha.. Nahh actually i was almost hit by a car n be dead now, but to allah's will and love i am still alive. The car is so fast that it almost hit me but luckily the driver step onto the emergency break that it hit my knees and i fall.. Well knees arw hurting but i still van bare the pain.

just for the one & only.

2009-10-21T18:42:00.000+08:00

Nobody Home Guitar Cover -

"You were on my mind when i woke up this morning

remembering your smile

i guess the next time i'll see your face

will take a little while

i was remembering your arms around me

love the way they always feel warm

with you by my side i completely feel no harm

i was remembering your voicemakes my heart skip a beat

but without you baby

my whole body's weak was remembering our times

the good and the bad

the funny times when you cheered me up and especially the sad

remembering your eyes

how they always meet mine

remembering all the little things you do to make my life worthwhile

i was wondering when we'll be together just us two

i guess i'm missing you more than i usually do"

-SyazieRebel

im scared.

2009-10-21T14:41:00.000+08:00

will miss lying next to you. kisses. hugs. evrything from you.

you will be off to camp this friday. alone again outside. how am i supposed to express this feelings.
this feelings are just so complicated. now feeling so scared.
scared of losing and missing you.
im all alone and no one is right next to me.
no one to spend my time with.
no one to make me smile and cheer up anymore.
no one to tickle and kiss and hug me.
no one to make me be comfortable of being myself.
who can replace his place. i dont know.
i dont think anyone can. how and why those this have to happen.
ok i know its just like as if his going far away from me.
but the fact is his going just to camp to serve his NS.
thats all.
and im all getting paranoid. i guessed im nuts.
am i. he might be laughing over reading this blog i bet.
hahah. but who cares. he knows i care and will miss him.
missing him has always been.
thought of meeting him tonight but i cant i am feeling tired today.
and actually i myself have no cash. what am i suppose to do if we were to meet up.
with no cash, smokes NOTHING left.
its gonna be BOREDOM!!
i swear....
haish.. im just so all so jumbled within myself.
how am i supposed to face the world standing again.
i bet i can i know i can. i think so.hmmm...
well in just words i can say.

"dear, i miss you so and i will always will... as long as i cant bare the pain and miss i will still be right here waiting for you."

below here is my son new video nothing better to do. so took a quick video of his.
boring though..

missing him.

2009-10-18T01:15:00.000+08:00

yes im missing him. very much.
falling sick like as if im falling apart now.
cant get near my son as im falling sick.
so im missing him so much.
don't get to kissed him even. miss him.
but atleast i get to see him still.
i miss him still. very much like i never miss anyone before.
loving you so much.
taking care of you havent been a problem to me.
as you're very demanding yes you are.
but still you're my one & only.
and no one could replace you.
im glad and feeling appreciated that you're mine.
hope the future for both us will just be fine.
iloveyou son.

you boy missing you. yes missing precious too much.
sorry if at times im being a lil nuisance for you.
but yet you're the smile on my face.
for now im feeling as if im playing pretend.
waiting for your return. missyou so.

now figure whats left in my mine. just you and only you.
how i wish things will always stay like how we want it to be.
insyaallah. i pray things will go smoothly.
come back to me now.
yes now not later.
lets have a happy ending together.
and not have the feelings of it scaring us away.
lets stick together.
thats all i have to say.
i miss you boy.

- SyazieRebel

just him.

2009-10-16T22:59:00.000+08:00

that thing when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy.

& the only thing in focus is you and that person,

& you realize that this is the only person you should be kissing for the rest of your life,

& for that one moment you get this amazing gift, all cause you feel so lucky

that you've found it,

but so scared that it'll go away at the same time.

- SyazieRebel

my date. wahdi.

2009-10-16T14:22:00.000+08:00

got to know this dude last 2 days. wahdi's his name. currently chatting with him. he introduce me to this avril lavinge song. he wants me to hear the lyrics carefully. i wonder whats his up too. well he said we will take things slow. and not rush. i agreed to what he says too. well his going ns this 23oct. arghh. just got to know and he has to go to ns already. what a life i have. but there is always a word saying. just a phone call away. well missing him now. most probably miting him tonight again. :)

2009-10-14T10:04:00.000+08:00

you treat me like i was a fool to you. you made me trust you. why in the first place you accepted me back? and after knowing how much i love you, you confessed to me that you're not ready. what do you take me as. boy i love you so and is this what i should get in return. i kept on saying i wanted to do dumb stuff and so i cut myself and bleed myself. you tot i was just joking around. but this time round. i was so true and i did it. to make me feel relieve. if u think wad i say is just not so true i dare to show you more. i cut myself bleed myself drank soap to end my life up. but still im still here. maybe the action is taking to slow. may i should just have a knife on my hand and just stab my self and end it all here. cause i cant bare the pain of getting hurt anymore. no more. it hurt too much that i just cant move on. friends tried to stop me but i still rebel. i just love you too much. and now this is what i get, i hurt a guy who is so innocent loving me. and now this is what i get from you. is it karma. is it so. maybe i dont know. should i just end here people tell me.? havent i have suffered and being totured enough yet.? tell more tell me what should i do now.? all i want is just love and not be lonely. someone tell me please what should i do. tell me now and tell me how. be dead.

you might think ive move on.
i dont know if you will be reading my blog.
i see you move on easily.
yeah i dont mean a thing.
but again.
what you need what you want you've got it.
i got nothing at all nothing.
what am i supposed to say.
you gottha features & figure.
seeing me smile and still being in here.
that doesnt mean ive moved on.
i may seem to be like im moving on but SERIOUSLY no im not.
it isnt easy.

guys come & go.
when they heard my story they say.
i promise i will take care of you and all.
but seriously that is a total BULLSHITS!
yes BULLSHITS!
few minutes they are here and next they are gone.

to ppl out there.
remember ppl we girls are human too.
if i can forgive you guys for being a JERK or a pain in the ARSE!
why cant you guys have this thoughts and thinking that.
"hey, the girls are human too and they have feelings we gottha give them a chance. "
when you were to have a mature thinking you will be having this kindda thinking.
the world is round and no matter what it is round have it goes for a turn.
same like us.
we are human the only difference is you guys have DICKS and girls they have PUSSY.
but both of the parties has feelings.
no matter what whether they are girls or guys.
they have their good and bad sides.

THINK IT OVER AGAIN!

love you.

2009-10-13T22:45:00.000+08:00

"You truly love each other and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the story books say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will."

would i be love forever like how you want me too.

tiring day.

2009-10-12T19:44:00.000+08:00

took my son to the hospital as his cough was so bad.pity my son alot. so when to KK and straight to emergency area.registered and off to meet the DOCTOR. so as Aqeef had to have a suction.as he had so much pheglm. *did i spell it right.whutever.* well his feeling better after that. he had a nice rest after all.after taking his medcine. daddy was hungry and so was the rest.we head off to tekkah to have thosai.all of us did not finish our meal as the taste wasnt as good as before.so we did not has the appetite though. than after having our late lunch.off to sengkang to send daddy to polyclinic. as his having flu. so we accompanied daddy. than after that everyone was so damn shag. so we head back home and slack. as i was msging with love i fall asleep half way. sorry baby. i am just too tired. :) but...

dear i swear i love you.

got back together with baby. OFFICIALLY.

2009-10-12T02:53:00.000+08:00

got back together with him. wel left my son at home with mummy. as he isnt well got permission from mummy to have a rest and have a liil fun with siblings and LOVE. bro and love's bro was with us too. well nothing much to say though just being happy and so IN LOVE all over again. too tired to update though. i just love you dear. :)

so in love.

chopped hair.

2009-10-10T12:55:00.000+08:00

okay i chop of my hair. argh! and it suck to the core. my adeq say my hair is like org giler. NBCB! haish. trying to find the stylest way to style my hair. geram ape. actually the hairdresser cut my hair wrongly MCM BODOH! it make me so frustrated! haish. well here are some pictures of my CB hair! and also my one and only son picture. cute kan. his now 1 month plus coming to 2 this coming 27. JYEAH! haha cepat pe. well it hasnt be easy taking care of small one. its really tiring. i hardly have rest as my baby boy his very demanding. and very3 pampered. but i careless. his jjust my one and only. i love him to the core. iloveyou son. and well yesterday, there is this girl who is nan's kecik gf. she was so paranoid thinking that i have an affair with nan. EXCUSE ME. his just a teman boring of mine. and why are you so damn paranoid. goodness you can have him and FCUK HIM ALL OVER YOU WANT. i got nothing to do with him at all. DONT GET PARANOID. so what if his family loves you. well dont here only one side. dont blame me for contacting him. i wasnt the one who started contacting him. so please! he says he doesnt has a gf. and ouh yeah. please also be aware if he has a gf do you think that i would be still hanging around and talking to him. OUH PLEASE i would rather be doing something better and talk to someone who is not attached at all. well not mad at you im not blaming you either. HIS PLAYING AROUND AND TOYING AROUND. well you decide if he is for you. but for all i know i always pray for the best for you. :)

love is so mean at times.

it wasnt me i swear.

2009-10-08T23:37:00.000+08:00

sorry the video 'senget'. trust me i didn't bully my son. it was my younger sister. i swear it wasnt my idea. damn her. geram pe. but he looks cute. well brought my son to the clinic as his having flu and cough. well its just a normal one though. ALHAMDULLILLAH. nothing much to update though.

1. KID he is in DB for 40days. well will wait for him to come out than.
2. RYO well his in brunei for 1year. haish. gottha wait lor. have been talking to him this few days. love talking to him. haha.
3. EX BOYFREN ISAAC he just broke up with his gf and is in contact with me back. well just as friends not more.
4. EX BOYFREN WADI he seems to be getting jealous that im so close to KID. haha HELL TO YOU. i dont give a FCUK though.

hmm whats more. i dont think there is anymore to update though. well toodles kindda sleepy now. GOODNYTE.

hate me all you want, cause i dont care.

the poetry ive made.

2009-10-07T22:49:00.000+08:00

…and above allLove is always worth itbecause you become a better personeverytime you love someonefrom the simplest careing for a friendto the deepest desire to love someone til the world endsfrom the unconditional love of a childto the complicated love of the godsthere is…no meaning to love love means everything...

given up but not fully.

fixed me and i'll be yours.

im an unholy person.

2009-10-06T20:05:00.000+08:00

you made me a winner and at the same time you made me a sinner.
you people are just so heartless with a brainless mind.
you made me fall you made me love you.
and ended uup i myself knowing that you already belong to someone.
what is about my life now.
you made me like a fool.
you treat me like a doll.
why should it end up this way.
goodness.
why cant you just let it all out.
you made me want to end up my life.
and i finally told myself i rather be a slut and bitch.
all the guys ive known all seem to be the same.
and now i finally realised that i would just let it be the way it is now.
come to me if you're in need.
i am not running away.
and i guessed you're reading it by now.
ARGH! everyone now is getting on my nerve.
everyone. why cant just someone on earth just understand the situation im in.
why do i have to always let my tears out.
as im updating my blog right now.
tears are rolling down the cheek.
why cant i find someone to just treat me like how i should be treated.

[it easy for everyone to ask me to be strong when i am the on going through all those shits on my own. im all alone going through it. its so tough and you think its easy. everyone asked me to not to find for someone to be in my life. but do you think its easy. I FUCKING HAVE NO ONE TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS AND UNDERSTAND ME. do people around me know what im feeling deep inside. do people around me know all about my life. NO! NO ONE AT ALL. so people you're asking me to do all this. DO YOU EVEN SPARE A THOUGHT FOR ME. have you guys when through what im through now. WILL YOU GUYS BE THERE WHEN IM IN NEED OF YOU GUYS. you guys always say that you guys will be there but DO YOU!!!!!!! WHAT CAN YOU GUYS DO IF YOU'RE THERE YOU GUYS JUST LISTEN!!!!!!!!! THATS ALL!!!!!!!!]

im through all it now. i hate myself. i hate life. dont stop me anymore.

fcuk up life!

fuck you!

out to open house.

2009-10-05T16:25:00.000+08:00

its just me n my sis cam-whoring at my uncle place. my son is sleeping so no pictures of him.

i hardly get his pictures with his eyes wide open cause all he do is just sleep n drink his milk. so maybe sooner or later i will take his pictures. well yesterday the day was just off to my aunt at bukit merah n uncle at woodlands house. cause they were having an open house. so we went to their places lah. i wasnt feeling that well. im having a fever thou. well nothing much more to write. hope i get well soon.

shut it up.

you're just a HYPOCRITE.

tak perlu.

2009-10-03T00:47:00.000+08:00

ini sume kerane mendak. hahahh. ENJOY! hmm. morning send my son of to clinic as his not feeling well alhamdullilah now. his fine. running nose. hmm. so far nothing intresting happened today. so not updating much. ouh hmmm.. nak ckp ape lagy ehk. as for now multi-tasking i am now. folding clothes and blogging. and talking on the phone. hahaha. KECOH PE! hmmm.. update more ayte. soon.

wad a day of boredom.

2009-10-01T02:38:00.000+08:00

today people say ive got a rest at night lah kan. a rest to not jage my son. penat lah. so my adeq volunteered to take care of him. so i have my fre time. i went online and chatted with my friends. Qamarul, Idham, Remy, Iswandy, A'an & my ex Ian. and as for IAN i really make him like a trash haha. EXCUSE SIR AWAK CUME TEMAN BORING SAYE HAHAHAH. hahah. mendak. well ni lah gambar printscreen i had with them. haha macehh k dah lah nk sleep. ouh ye pasal ATTITUDE. PEGI JAHANAM. BO TYM AR UTK LU!!

moving on.

loved by all.

pictures.

2009-09-29T16:32:00.000+08:00

i gave up in love.

let it come.

after blogging the one before.

2009-09-29T15:48:00.000+08:00

after i update my blog he came online. goodness im so confused with him. what does he really want from me. what had i done. and why does he behave this way. can i kill myself tonight.

its broken totally.

2009-09-29T14:29:00.000+08:00

you know what readers

FCUK LOVE.

FCUK HOPE.

FCUK EVERYTHING.

its just too much for what ive been through. havent i had enough of everything. why those it have to happened to me. why me. now i really feel like giving up everything. yes everything. you guys want to know why cause. today he say he love me tomorrow i myself get to find out he has an affair. i am not blaming Nana. as i know she knows nothing. i dont know if i should trust his words either or again. now im feeling so lost that i dont know what to do and its making me feeling to give up in everything. but everytime when i want to give up i always stop myself from doing it cause i know that i am strong to live on. and my son is always the one who always make me pull the handbrake. his the apple of my eyes. after one another problems come. its just toomuch toture for me. people tell me what am i supposed to do. maybe im partly at fault too. well im still under "pantang" i cant spent time with love and im sorry. but i thought that he would understand my situation. but i was wrong so wrong. i guessed no one will. should i now put a full stop to everything, im just so confused. there are just too many questions in my mind.

1. am i yours?
2. do you understand me?
3. where have all your promise gone too?
4. should i kneel down to just make you understand me?
5. what am i to do to make you know that i love you? etc.

tell me why & tell me how.

killing myself softly.

webcam with baby.

2009-09-28T13:47:00.000+08:00

haha. this was before i went to send my son for his injection. i was webcaming with baby. hmm.. its like kind off unda process thingy lah ngan dia. trying to get things well back like how we use too. hmm i hope it will go smoothly. smoge ape yg kite ingin kan tercapai k syg. amin.

praying for the best.

love is blind.

2009-09-24T21:01:00.000+08:00

well the problem is all messed up. but seriously. I DONT CARE.

she you me her whoever. i dont care.

again im saying. I DONT CARE.

do what you like kill yourself or whatever. :)

atlast i get to make you and your family hate me.

i wont be running away. im waiting.

and still waiting.

and QAMARUL thanks for being there.

ANTONIO too love you guys.

you made me stronger.

suicide back to you baby.

morning woke up. let my baby have his milk. back again to sleep. than wake up to shower him and feed him again. than got ready. to send brother off to polyclinic. brother had a sprained feet. pity him. well head to compass point then off back home. slept again than dealed with chores. and done. now im blogging. well the day was a hell yeah.! HATE IT! but never mind i have my boys around. boo! hahah. :) loveyou guys. for being there for me. appreciate it. :)

love my son. till end of my breath.

chatting with him till 4am.

2009-09-24T03:56:00.000+08:00

the above picture was taken by my cousin. heee. thanks to her. well im trying to occupy my time chatting with friends online and also with my own child. i got to move on though. this people are just typical humans. who would hurt the others. and thanks to Qamarul Arifin who actually had accompanied me till now. its already 4 am. and im still awake. my eyes are still so wide thanks darling for accompanying me. appreciate it so much. so ouh well did not had much to do. i just updated my tagged. blogskin. facebook. ive got alot of new pictures. i will update them soon ayte. love you guys. ive got nothing much to say though. again to Qamarul deary thanks for everything advicing me and all. hugs.

you made me suffer its ok.

remember.

KARMA bitch.

cita hangat doh. sudah panas!

2009-09-23T18:00:00.000+08:00

MAS SAFIAHTON

ERAN

both of you yes both of you. whose ruining whose happiness and life. excuse me. well this is what you wrote in your blog. right. let me myself reply to you.take a look for yoruself.

its been so long i updated my blog...
it was a nice memories to have Ian as my bf...

Ans: ouh yeah cause you've snatch him away when ive even given you a clue that he belongs to me.
Our life is so sweet...

ans: very sweet till i was in pain. do you even thought of what i felt.?
Till today....
Where I shed another tears after I shed tears for Syamal..
I tot I can move on and lead a happy life..

ans: did you ever tot of my life? was it going to be happy or not.
But I was wrong....

ans: im glad you knew you were. but....
I was putting a high hopes on our relationship....

ans: no one asked you too.
Where our relationship was so sweet, full of happiness and laughter...

ans: very sweet that i suffer through the night.
Where i have sacrifice alot for him...

ans: SACRIFICE??? ALOT??? huh just for few days that you've been with him you said you sacrifice alot for him where i had been with him for 3months. have thought of it??
Where i prioritise him despite my health...

ans: what about me during my condition that i was pregnant? you know the pain of being pregnant?
Where now i was greatly sick and in pain...

ans: greatly sick and in pain???? hah you made my tits laugh girl. cause i should be the one saying that.
Where blood came flowing out from me...

ans: it wasnt just blood coming out from me but my throat and lungs were jumping up and down. and how my heart wish to kill you!
But why is he being so selfish to me?

ans: his being selfish to you and please ASKED that question back to you hunney. was it he or you or me being selfish. you TOOK HIM AWAY FROM ME BABY!!!!!!!!!!
Why other people can't appreciate our relationship and destroy my happiness...?

ans: you always thought of your happiness but have you put others before you ever??????
If this meant to be another heartbroken feeling where i need to face...
i accept it...

ans: its GOOD that you accept it but NOW THAT YOU'VE TAKEN HIM BACK FROM ME AGAIN! DO YOU KNOW MY PAIN FCUK!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so sorry for what had happen and be a third party in everything...
I am truly sorry !

Ans: you will be forgiven but for what you've done it will come back to you again. what goes around comes around. am not praying for it but NOW YOU PUT ME THRU PAIN GIRL.

now that ive got the time to blog if you readers want to know what ive been through with ERAN well i will explain to it all. for the 3months ive been with him. he had put me thru alot of pain. he slept with other girl i forgive him. he got to to know other girl depsite several warning i forgive him. he had another girl behind me i got to know i forgive him. he when to HOTEL with another girl behind me i forgive him. i saw him life with another person at home while webcaming with her sister i cried like hell to death i forgive him still. tell me people what had i done wrong all this while. i was pregnant and was close to my due date and he did this to me. and i still kept myself cool and forgive him. and ive given him love trust and all still he did this to me. do you guys things it fair for me. well when i was with his family i appreciate thath is mom cares for me and all. she brought me to a traditional massage as i was cimplaining that i was in pain and all. thanks. but for now. i know that the family dont like me at all seriously i care no more. and I GIVE UP! YES TRUE ENOUGH my family doesnt adore him at all cause he had made me cry ALOT OF TIME. but still i go against them and be with him still. cause i LOVE HIM TRUCKLOADS. i dont show my love cause i dont like too its just me but deep inside me i really do. well we are no longer together but that day on the 15of sept. i when to his place even when im under confinment. that night he was still with safiah, i when there with the motive of collecting my kuih. than when i was actually in the house after paying my respect to them. i sat for awhile and had a chitchat and this was what he said. "mak dah lah mak tknk ngan saifah lagy lah! menyesal ar abg!" and i just smiled. well i did not even had the intention to let him fall for me all over again. but i dont know what is in mhis mind. he hugged me like he never ever did. he said he missed me so much. like what the hell. ohkay. that very time i myself was trying to move on. but when he said that i stood and just tot of it all over again. well i did not stay long there. i had to rush back home. cause it was already late. and when i was in the taxi. i recieved a text msg. "zie klau ian nk zie balik zie sudi tak?" i ignored. again. "zie u der". so i replied "yes nk ape lagy ian" he replied "nak u". i was smiling all the way. so then he said he will try alot of way to break up with safiah. and i just smile im not even asking him too. like what the hell. i told him dont do that to her she has love you so dont break her heart. just dont bother me be with her. dont hurt her take care of her. and he still insisted and say that he loves me and realised for all he had done to me all this while he regret alot. and want to repent and be with me together again. and he dont care what his and my family going to say anymore. and i got no say at all cause his so stubborn. so the after a few days. he said he had nothing to do with safiah anymore. and i cant say anything. and evryday till the last two days he kept on saying he love me and all and wanted to be with me and asked me when im going to accept him and i said i dont know, i will until u really changed. ok cut it short. what happened was i purposedly showed him my fcuk up attitude. until i guessed he got back together again with safiah. and i blew up!! HOW COULD HE BOTH OF THEM ARE REALLY GETTING ON MY NERVE. and his MUM HE SCOLDED ME AND SAID I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD HURT HIM AND ALL!!!! i cant say no more. talking about all this really making me to end my life up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ENOUGH FOR WHAT I HAD BEEN THRU ALL THIS WHILE!!!

note to safiah : NOW YOU SEE WHAT IVE BEEN THRU ITS NOT THE WHOLE STORY YET. AND THANKS TO YOU THAT EVERYONE HATED ME. THANKS TO YOU BABY. NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IS PAIN. TELL ME WHAT WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU WERE TO BE IN MY POSITION.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fcuk my life up. you made me like i was a whore.

what had i done to all of you to deserve all this.

thank you. suicide.

only that eyes knows.

2009-09-09T16:48:00.000+08:00

smiling widely and living in a pretend world is just a part of my life. my boy his the only one who could make me smile sincerely. no one could even actually make me smile just like he do. those eyes were filled with tears yesterday night. its over between me and him. totally over and there wont be a turn around anymore. boy you've done me good. ive pured lots of tears for you since the day we;ve ben together. i dont know what not enough for you. what had i not done for you till you've given me this kind of punishment. you went to another girls arm for i dont know what ever reason it is. but here i am telling you i had to lie to you to keep myself away from you to make u hate me. yes i lied to you. i dont have a boyfriend or even i am getting married. its all just lies. to make you hate me and just go on with her happily. haish im lost of werds now when there is more free time i will update the whole story what had happen during the months ive been together with him. got to take care of lilttle one.

my soul is here.

2009-09-06T18:25:00.000+08:00

my soul my hero my warrior. my one & only. he was born on the 27 august 2009 @ 2127hrs. gosh i was in the labour ward for 14 hours and goodness. nobody will know the pain ive got to go through. only ALLAH S.W.T. knows what ive been through all this while. thanks to all who had visited me all along. now that ive got my own responsibility i would be a hard time for me to update on blog i will try to update more soon. and as for my boufriend im still with him as per normal on n off with fights. but now i guessed he had really regret all his wrongs. c you guys around.

down with flu & cough.

2009-07-09T15:53:00.000+08:00

im down with flu and cough. im not feeling well. i fall sick due to some reasons. lately things been real crazy. up to today, for sure i dont feel right as im so complicated and confused with myself. precious love. been giving in to all. yes all in. but sis she was always there for me. she knows what im thru now. but its good that i have her around. no matter how we fight or quarell shes still the best who gives me the strength to go on. i totally in no mood to update about my life lately. its been like a roller coaster.

you made me go all crazy.

im here still hurt .

so now..

lets play PRETEND.

mylove.

2009-06-29T01:22:00.000+08:00

ilovehim to the core. and yes i do. no matter how he hurt me.

he is still the only one in my mind&heart.

his only named.

for me and no BITCHES out there.

iloveyou baby.

your name is tattooed in my heart.

the reason.

2009-06-28T02:20:00.000+08:00

his been the reason why ive not been updating wooow. im so in love with you. i love you. so no updates for meanwhile. kind of busy. :)

you're getting on my nerve.

2009-06-14T21:08:00.000+08:00

and who do you think you are miss. excuse me mdm. im elder. so please. so please be aware. you're not here for free an easy. 24/7 on the lappy day & night. guys ouh please. now you're enjoying. and you used to say this to me. "ehk! jangan nak kata aku lah diri kau tu pergi betol kan dulu.!" like wth. ouh fine who cares well its a past of mine. and now im living forward. cant accept what im saying thats your problem. got a problem face me right in the face and spit all out. OUH! how i wish one day you may fall and asked yourself all over again "ouhh am i doing the right thing." maybe your journey of life is about to begin. and you dont live to please me. ERRMM ouh yes i realised that. still cant take my advice and words dont come back running to me telling me all your problems than. do what you like starting from now on. YES THIS SECOND YOU'RE READING THIS POST. ok. i dont need your money i dont need anything from you. dont want to give me your respect im fine. i guess the guys around you have obsessed you to behave this way huh. im happy that you're happy with your fantasy world. you come as you please you leave as and when you want. who am i to you. do you know how much it hurts me to be suffering you hurting me this way. do you know how much it hurts. ouh i forgot you're the human being who doesnt have any sense of feeling of sympathy. yeah no sense of SYMPATHY at all. like ouhkay whatever. well just for your information. here is my conversation in the message with our mum aite. read it.

me: i myself tryin to make things easier for you! and shes getting on my nerve & it seems like you dont care what she does she sleeps til late moning & wake up early morning & just use the laptop 24/7 and phone thats all and whenever You scold her what does she do just show face & fcuk care. i dont mind doing the chores for you but cant she spare a thought for me & the familiy. so what is she clever but she just so rude!

mum : SMUA JGN BKIN KEJE UMAH FRM NW ON & DONT BOTHER. I WILL DO IT AT NITE. WEN I GET HOME. TAK PAYAH NAK SUSAH & COMPLAIN TO ME ANYMORE. IF BOTH OF YOU DONT WANT TO COMPROMISE & DONT APOLOGISE TO EACH OTHER SO BEAT IT.

me : and im not like how you think of me and im a new me and im not gonna let tears out of your eyes anymore. i jjust want to see your smile. not just you but ayah too. i know how both of you get tired after work. & im here trying to try my best to make you smile & happy. fine forget about adeq let her be. im so gonna prove you & ayah that im already a changed me. just give me this opportunity i know ive done alot of wrong.

mum : If both of you want to make both of us happy i dont want you guys to quarrel bcoz of small things & dont just act behind us. Both of u r making me cry inside wen u r not in gd terms. Nobody understand being a mother n working hard for u guys. If im not working u tink ayah can suport the family.

me : im trying to give in what does she do shes just all so ego she finds when she needs when she doesnt she leave me out. i still dont mind when she already found a new friend does she even care. no matter what im always trying to give in but she doesnt care at all. what am i suppose to do.

so if you've read it please OPEN YOU EYES WIDE.!

well to my readers here are one poetry ive made. just for that one & only MYSTERIOUS GUY. idontknow who.

i dont know what does she do to make you cry,

but i will be thwew to make you smile,

i dont have a fancy car to get to you,

but i will walk a thousands mile,

i dont care if she buys you nice things,

but those it comes from the heart.

i dont know but if you were my guy,

i'll make it so we'll never been apart,

what my love is all,

i have to give without you i dont think i could live.

i wish i could give the world to you,

but love is all i have to give,

when you do all this while does it seems like shes not even listening to a word you saying,

thats ok baby, just tell me your problems i'll tyr my best to kiss them all away.

does she leave when you need her the most does her friends get all the time & attention.

Baby, please i'm on my knees praying for the day that you'll be mine.

what my love is all i have to give you.

HEY BOY...ILOVEYOU.

so thats the poetry. so any comments.

due to boredom.

2009-06-11T14:12:00.000+08:00

here are some bored pictures i've taken. ive got nothing better to do yesterday at home. well done with chores. here am i now blogging. yes am supposed to be getting ready off to granny place at AMK. to go fetch mine & mummys important document. some people are just no use of help. yes some people. whatever it is you going to feel i dont bother no more.

CAUSE I SWEAR IM SICK AND TIRED OF THINKING OF OTHERS FEELINGS. AND I MYSELF END UP NOT SATISFYING MY OWN NEEDS!

well im not myself lately. im just really not myself i repeat. well i would rather keep it to myself. everyone around are getting on my nerve. yes EVERYONE. understand. but all i could do was just to play pretend. tummy is getting bigger each day. yes up to 7month now. next appointment would be on the 260609. yeah again going alone. well i dont bother asked people to accompany me.

so i guessed that would be it i aint got any mood to update anything more.

you've done it again. & now its over.

2009-06-10T12:53:00.000+08:00

ok you've done it again boy. yes you've done it again. you broke my heart not once but its been tons of time. so then now ive realised that there is this boy is so sincere but im just too scared to give it a try. and whats his name again ouh yeah its MD. RIDZWAN. well azli you might think ive been playing behind your back but ouh please get a mirror and look at yourself first. am not playing behind your back at all. i never when out with wan never had i. his my bf,buddy,brother and everything. his just like everything to me on earth. he make me smile when you cant. i dont know what you want more and i dont know whats on your mind. i did not recieved any msg nor call at all. never. yes its been like a week. and what do you think i am. you find me when you need you leave me when you dont need me. am i a rag doll to you. given you a lot of chances whats more. you kept coming back when ive found someone to make me smile. but you make me falll again & again & make me cry all over again. but me here being dumb trusting your words and forgiving you. azli i know you read my blog but what have i not done for you. tell me. voice it out to me. its seems like ive always done a wrong thing to you. when i dont. you know what stage im in right now and still you make me feel down. but im lucky to have wan beside me. cause his the one who have been healing the wound when you're the one who had always make the wound much more bigger. dont you feel ashamed!!!!! his the one healing me & all his the one who made me strong. he took all my anger and still face it. he always try hard to make me smile. and he does it. i want to give it a try but it isnt as easy as you may thought. cause my heart just hurt alot. YES ALOT! so azli read this. :

YOU'VE MADE ME CRY,

YOU'VE MADE ME FALL,

YOU MADE ME PLAY YOUR GAME AND LOST.

NOW HERE I AM FEELING SO LOST.

STOP ALL THIS NONSENSE AND COME TO YOUR SENSES,

BE A MAN WITH YOUR WORDS,

COME STRAIGHT TO ME & SAY THAT YOU'RE TAKEN.

I WOULD BE GLAD TO HERE THAT,

BUT FOR SURE I PITY THE GF OF YOURS.

FACE THE REALITY I CAN NEVER BE YOURS ANYMORE.

NO MORE & NEVER WILL I.

i hate you yes i do i really do.now thats for sure. here am i saying my last say. MD.RIDZWAN his the man of my life who could make me strong & smile. he tolarated with all my nuisance and thats the reason was due to you. so now again im saying face the reality i can never be yours anymore. so leave me & make me live in own lovely world. thank you.

dearest MD.RIDZWAN,

im sure you're reading this now. im sorry that i have not tell you a shit all this while, but here am i letting it out not just a lilttle bit of a story but everything. im sorry. ive now realised you're sincere enough to prove me wrong about guys. not saying all guys are the same but just you're different. i hope it wont last for just a moment but make it last till the end. may you precious i hope you can. im yearning for true love for quite awhile. i know i dont have that standard to stand in a single mans life who is so perfect. cause ive done to many wrong but i for sure know i could repend my mistakes and me a better lady and mummy. so boy please love me for who i am and not for who you want me to be. not asking for much but just TRUE LOVE its all i need.

love always,

your bucuk.

shifted. sick. tired. changed.

2009-06-04T22:25:00.000+08:00

its been days i last updated my blog. sorry readers. here am i telling you what had happened during the days ive not updated. ouh well as its been said yeah i am attached to one. but we are kind off like on & off. and im tired of it sure i am. but what can i do all i can do is just bare with it. bare with all the sufferrings and pain he have to give. YES true enough i love him. he came back sweet as ever but now his silence. no msg nor call from him. how pity can i be. im so really tired of it. but i dont know why am i being so really good and kind to him. forgiving him over & over again. its really sickening at times. but i just want to be a good girlfriend. bf what had i done wrong to you till there isnt any news from you yes i missed you. till here can i express it. even if there is more i dont think his reading my blog at all.

yes next changed of blogskin so how people are you guys loving my new blogskin. ouh well but it isnt as pretty thou. but im still learning how to create my own. i want to satisfy myself yes myself. no one else. heh.

shifted yes ive shifted two days ago. to punggol field for 3 years yes 3 years. ouh well just for the sake of baby boy. baby gottha have a nice and pleasant place and sapcious place to stay. it might be very far from friends. but what can i do. ive been living with this kind off life in staying in peoples house for years. due to some reasons behind. yes true enough i do have my own place its at khatib. all i pray is to be back home after 3years or before three years. i pray hard i would shift earlier. cause i swear i FCUKING MISS my house.okay actually shifting house is a no no for me cause its so damn tiring. now that we've shifted house. okay im not working as im pregnant. and what am i supposed to do. YEAH CHORES! damn it. sister out schooling. mum & dad out working. they are reaching home damn late. I SWEAR AM VERY TIRED. yes! TIRED. especially with my big tummy im carrying. friends got worried of me doing too much chores. they were angry at me as no one could help me with the chores. BUT HEY PEOPLE WHO ELSE IS GOING TO DO THE CHORES IF ITS NOT ME. I GOTTHA HELP THEM WITH THE CHORES STILL RIGHT!!!! ouhkay WHATEVER. i swear i cant stop complaining im TIRED.

baby boy condition. baby is getting very active. yes very. he cant stay still whenever i want to go to bed. i got diffilculties in sleeping. baby be a good boy when you're out to this beautiful world okay. mum will guide you through the obstacle you're going to face later on in life. you and me had suffered alot during this pregnancy. and i pray everything will go fine sooner or later. insyaallah. amin.

so thats about it this would be my update for my blog today. will update tomorrow about the day okay.

day out with bf & gf.

2009-05-29T18:25:00.000+08:00

OUHHH im so the masai. BUT TAK PEDULI!. this was on the 250509. ouh yeahh! had great day with them but damn tiring lah seyy. well pictures do the talking this is the MAK BUYUNG so the fat. ouhh of course lah baby boy is so healthy. weee~ GEMOK PE AKU!!! well no worries soon gonna be back slimmer. weee~ ok i got nothing to blog about actually nothing special. thats all then just look at the pictures ayte.

bored.

2009-05-24T19:35:00.000+08:00

let the pictures do the talking cause this is what happened whn boredom strike!

mind you.

2009-05-23T20:49:00.000+08:00

gosh i finally realised that i love my brother that much. i even willing to sell my phone off together with his spoilt phone to just get another phone for him. i got him an Iphone i mean China Mini Iphone. and for myself i got myself just a normal sony ericsson T303.ouhhh nvm. ouhyeahh yesterday was a hell tiring day for me. i woke up at 6am and i stayed up and got myself ready by 1030am to go for my appointment and it was like almost the whole half day that i was at KK yesterday. well scanning went well. baby was so shy did not let the doctor check his lips measurements isnt his so cute. yeah he is so so cute. and doctor wanted to comfirm his gender and he was too shy to let the doc see. and i was in the room for about 1 hour. gosh doctor was saying ouhhh mummy he is so shy. haha how cute cn u be precious baby. well gf met up with me at KK she fetched me and we were off to town. we went to takashimaya den to far east to have my meal and back to takashimaya to met up with lucky. ARGHH with him around i was being bullied he called me a big MAMA. ouh lucky i swear i will strangle you. nevermind. forget bout him. then after waiting for lucky for an hour till he ends his work. and then we went off to tao payoh as i told you earlier on when to get the phones for me and my brother. after that we had our dinner at macdonald OUH LUCKY I SWEAR I WANNA STRANGLE YOU. people you guys might be asking yourself who is this lucky right. ouhwell its my gf friend. me and him we cant meet up with each other it may seems like cats and dog i SWEAR. so carrying on after we had our dinner off we go our seperate ways. gf is still with me. and then off back home to my place. we reached my place at about 10 close to 11pm. tiring lah seeyyy. then after that i chge and we chilled downstairs waiting for amin ouhkay amin is my brother so called brother lah. and he reached his destination where is my block at 12++am. geram pe! so after amin reached we chilled then came isa then awhile later somes the big joker so called "bahan kutuk" hahah kurang kan i. haha. but we were joking around lah. we chilled till 3am. aiyoo laughing through out the night was killing me those jokers or brothers i should call them i have so the geram. and i went back home after they decided to make a move. amin sending off gf. so i am very very shag i swear. well currently i am watching the royal engagement. ouhkay lame. now i got to go. i want to have my dinner with family downstairs toodles.

wiping it off.

2009-05-21T17:09:00.000+08:00

ouhkay sorry readers.ive not update my blog for quite sometime. its a lil dusty or should i say very dusty. sorry aight. well to correct my mistakes my EXPECTED DATE DUE : 290809.haish feeling so excited already but then doc tell me much more longer plak. its ok. well currently am chatting to mily. i never update that much for the past week cause there isnt anything intresting happened. but now here are some soon to be mommy busuk face with no make up and also havent bath pictures. hurhur. I DONT CARE TAK KISAH PUN!. :)

update update update.

2009-05-13T15:56:00.000+08:00

nak tau result jugak nak kan nak kan kan kan. hahah. taknak bilang. haha. went for scanning yesterday. i got the results. its a BABY BOY. best pe. haha. seronok lah sekali so aunt cannot take away baby from me. hahha. i pray for my baby to look alike like me. jyeah. im too excited i cant stop smiling. hahah. and im too blank too write anything. DUE ESTIMATED ON 4AUG.ouhkay bye. weeee~

read & feel.

2009-05-07T12:16:00.000+08:00

try being in the position where she is right now. maybe some are going through the same. some are stronger than her some are not. maybe she is but all she needs is guidance & support especially from the one around her. especially at this point of time. she dont need any more comments from people who doesnt feel where she is standing now. all they know was pressuring her. people might think that she is very strong to go through it on her own. all this while she had put a fake smile right infront of everyone. PAKCIK says shes just having a low self-esteem and she love bringing down herself. but the fact is she just want others to be happy before she is. tears rolls down when she sit alone and think it all over again. she never wanted this to happened in life but she still face through the shits and moved on. by not finding the way out by abortion. but some people around her dont understand whats shes through. her mum & dad doesnt put her on pressure but why does others have too. the blood dont run in her family so why. why do you have to push and preassurize her. her baby is innocent she is the one to be blame but things already happened. her family & relatives can accept her still but why you put her through hard time still. now she is kneeling seeking for help and strenght to go through and face it through on her own. please. someone. save her from this misery. :'(

getting headache.

2009-05-04T20:47:00.000+08:00

gosh am gettin headache here. as i am so really trying to find a very comfortable stroller for my own baby. it seems like its so hard. as the quinny brand stroller is just not suitable for baby. OMG! someone help. im going to hit my head on the wall. by the way its sure a no no for me to actually give away baby to anyone. no one at all. no way. i am not giving it away and thats a final decision of mine. PPL PLEASE MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. im here too stress up please dont gimme another headache! SO WHAT i live my life my way i got my parents to take care and guide me i dont need any other advices from any other ppl. arghh as days passes more stuff and things that i got to go through gosh!!!!!!! but FCUK who care i dont care i leade MY LIFE!!! my parents help me decide but not EVERYTHING. back to my stroller search for baby.

here is the link:

http://www.babytown.com.sg

now still i want to keep looking for baby stuffs online. GRRRR~

browsing thru.

2009-05-03T02:51:00.000+08:00

BabyBjörn Baby Carrier Original $250++ i guess.

Quinny Zapp Stroller in 2ways as shown above. $600++

ouh im so intrested in this both should go and grab it soon. well today was a very fine day. i had my early lunch with family at amk central and bought some baby clothes. cute lah kan. so i guess there is nothing more to update. nothing special today. going to visit late granny grave tomorrow morning go to turn in soon. but now im feeling hungry so am eating first. :))

nothing intresting.

2009-04-30T16:21:00.000+08:00

i woke up at 630am cause i was disturbed by the smell of strong perfume that belong to dady made me want to vommit. macam2 pe. kacau pe prangai. haha. so i woke up and do the cores as per normal wash the used clothes then tok all the clothes which are already dry then i vacumm and mop the room. kecoh pe. so today i had to help mumy to pay out her debts at raffles so i did. after doing all the chores i when to raffles ALONE yes alone. tak pernah2 k. mendak pe. when i board the train to raffles i saw this two minah were starring at me like one of a kind like that. ape ni. so what i did was stand and smile. haha. lazy to entertain this crappys. so the journey continued with boredom. after paying debts i when off to amkhub. i tought of having long john BUT there were minah and mat sentols sitting outside the long john. i got no idea whats the purpose. i really hate the sight of minah&mats. geram pe! they were like starring at me one kind like as if i owe them my life. ouhkay fcuk it tak heran dan tak kuase. so i proceed to banquet to have my lunch but kan the nasi ayam tak sedap langsung. ape ni. stress ar gue. so after i had my lunch ALONE. i when home and what i did was cam-whore yeay. here are some pictures. :))

sorry.

2009-04-29T21:52:00.000+08:00

i bet all of you readers are waiting for my return to update my blog right. it had been dusty for quite awhile. now that everything is clean by me. cause im here updating my blog. haha. ouhkay well too much too update. but for sure tummy is getting bigger every each day. now i wieght myself im 64kg. wee hooo~ buruk pe but understandable lah kan. well there is nothing much to update though. ouhkay cant wait to hear about baby huh!! baby is getting active eveyr single day thats all i can say. so i just cant wait for my upcoming check up next two weeks. ouhkay here goes some pics of mine taken recently.

feeling down.

2009-04-14T23:46:00.000+08:00

yesterday it started off well but ended up so painful. i dont want to say why it hurts too much till i cant explain. people am not asking for sympathy or anything. am just asking for company to make me smile all day. thats all not more. what am i to do. i had to pretend that am cool and not even stressed myself up with my problems. im trying my best to be happy and smile all time. but till when should i pretend. till when. yes it makes me stronger but people asked yourself if you were to be in my shoes. things would come back flashing back in your mind to make you think about the past and make you cry. here i am updating my blog as tears rolling down my cheek as i update. it hurts me to think about my past. its true enough its not easy to move on in just a snap. i want too but i just i cant. but i belive in a saying of "if there is a will, there is a way". im crying in pain tonight too. yes in deep pain. not just feeling down but feeling hurt. till when do i have be like this. people whoever have ever when thru this you know how much it hurts you. to people who the guys takes responsibility for the child you both got i smile & congrats you. to the one who had a guy or an ex boyfriend who put all the blames on you and made you suffer alone or made you do abortion i swear you know how painful it is. people says im strong to face thru all this problem. but all i could do is just thank them and i just smile to myself. ues thats all that i can do. it hurts too much that i cant even smile sincerely no more. but i think of baby in me. i dont want baby to know that im sufferring alone here. i need someone out there to be with me to go thru this. gf busy with her stuff. bf i dont know what should i do with him. im just so lost within my world im really2 hurt. i cant go on no more i just cant explain how hurt i am right now. all i could do now is just cry. i will update if i were to have the mood sorry readers.

to baby of mine : mommy's sorry cause im not strong enough. but baby for you i will move on. hope you would brighten up my years ahead. things are so not right for me this days. baby i hope you would bare this with me till the upcoming days. baby mommy love you and cant wait till the day you are with me on earth to see the world and live your life with me till end. mommy promise i would let things be fine for you in the upcoming years. insyaallah.

"Ya Allah berikan lah hamba mu ini kekuatan dan semangat untuk menempuh segala dugaan dan cabaran diberikan kepada hamba mu ini. hanya kau sahaja yang boleh ku mohon keampunan kerana engkau lah pengampun dosa-dosa yang terhina ini. berikan lah ku pulang untuk memperbaiki diri ku ini. Ya Allah engkaulah satu-satunya untuk memberi ku semangat untuk menempuh hidup ku ini. Ya Allah tunjukkan lah aku ke jalan yang lurus, aku tak ingin membuat keluarga ku dan ibu bapa ku menangis kerana ku lagi. Ya Allah ku pohon seribu ampun dan maaf darimu. Ya Allah ku harap belum lagy terlewat untuk ku memperbaiki diri ku ini. Hamba mu ini amat menyesal atas perbuatan yang terkutuk dan terhina ini. Ingin meminta dan memohon peluang yang terakhir untuk ku memperbaiki hidup ku ini. Amin Ya Robal Al La Min."

been busy.

2009-04-13T14:27:00.000+08:00

ok next i know ppl will be asking what am i busy with. ouh here i am gonna update and tell you am busy with what. ouhkay ive been busy with visiting grandpa who is down with mild stroke. grr~ after one another one. my family and i have been going to hospital up & down. well just to see if his fine and all. ive got not much to update thou. pictures i do have some but i will upload again when im free. now i gottha bath & rushed to go out. update soon ok guys. muacks.

being so dull.

2009-04-10T14:53:00.000+08:00

being bored & dull at home. im so really doomed today. mum n dad n bro have when out so early today. they are off to hospital to see me grandfather. myself im stuck at home due to the condition of be having baby. geram pe. nak kluar lah jugak! my sister she when out already to teach tuition at simei and off she go to meet her friend. she is out everyday. ouh well who cares i dont care but for all i know am going to do something to get money even when im home. haha. im going to find a way for sure. turututurutu. yeah2. and when baby is out im going to be active again yes active again going out with friends whom im missing. dont worry lah people i will bring baby along lah. mesti lah! my baby you know. haiyaa gottha find plans today gosh my aunt is coming over my place to visit my grandparents. bahahhaah! i gottha get out oof the house before she reaches. i better do. ok i will update more if there is any later. i need to fold some clothes lah seyy. ni lah nasib badan kan. kay bye.

in the HABUK.

2009-04-09T14:19:00.000+08:00

this was candid. gosh.. haish.

he said "takmau amek gamabr i lerr. grrr~" i missed those fun.

one&only still missing him.

i was going thru my phone its like habuk already. so i scroll here and there and i found some pics of an ex boyfriend[above] whom i cant forget cause his been there when i was in need. but gone after he knew the truth and cant accept the truth. i love him so much yes i do. and i missed him till now. and here are some pics of him. haish how i wished i could turn back time. okay i realised this is the 4th time im blogging today. well im free why cant i . imissyou yes i do. matt you've been missed by syazie. yeay we should not thing of the past let go of the things you love there is a reason why they left i know i remember but i just missed him. haish. missed him so liao liao.skejap jer.

ive got a poetry for him here goes the poetry i made :

I still miss you
Two thousand miles away
I still miss you
I missed you today
Over and under
All of your lies
I still miss you
I wish I got to say a proper goodbye
So I'll say a silent prayer
And wishing you weren't there (with her)
And my heart still beats twice as slow
Only when I see you again in my imaginative mind
I wish we could start over again (with hello)
And I still miss you (I still miss you)
And I am so sorry
For treating you like nothing
No one sees the fire you have lit inside of me
A fire burning out from the tears you've caused me
All I want is to be by your side once again
Did you hear my silent prayer?Amin.
And I still miss you

just realised.

2009-04-09T10:50:00.000+08:00

ouh ya i just realised i read over my blog again. no wonder lah kan people kept asking you and soon to be hubby how. well ouhkay i will update here GOODNESS today the 3rd time im blogging macam rajin gitu kan. ape dahh! hahah. ouhkay back to the story well its over between me and soon to be hubby, i called off the wedding. due to some reasons. well the reasons you really wanna know ouhkay its as follows :

1: before marriage he already dared saying "hey kalau kau rase taufiq tuu baik ble jage anak kau go ahead ar!" itu tak perlu lah kan. so ppl think of my future marriage why should i live to hear does hurtful words when the baby is not in the wrong. so i might as well leave.

2: i dont live in this world to please people. i dont want to live in the world to make people happy. so now its time for me to make myself happy even though its tough.

3: friends of his condemn me like till the drain. they made my name so the BUSUK. but seriously whoever his friend who came a across my blog please be atleast a smart ass. I LEAD MY IFE MY WAY. AND I DONT OWE YOU A PENNY SO FCUK OFF. you don decide your friend future okay. ALLAH S.W.T. is the one. so shut the hell up JERK. well discriminate me all you one. and talk and bitch about me all you one. but believe me im better and stronger then your GF. :)

4: i am not ready for it at all.

so everything is stated clearly here and i hope you readers understand why i called of my wedding. so if there is any part that you guys are still unsure yet im happy and glad to explain again. but if ita stated clearly would it be funny if you're asking me again. gahhhh! :)

MILYmeow my new FRIEND.

2009-04-09T10:05:00.000+08:00

ouh people early morning wake up & i found a friend. yeay MILYmeow. gerek pey kaki. haha. well am now chatting with her at msn. mily sorry ehk take your pic with out permission. heh. yesterday saw her den was blog hopping just nowso i bump into her blog then i tag her. and here she is being a new friend of mine. thank you darling. hahah lets BICTH about twofaced bitch. hahah. :) MILYmeow happy friendship ayte. :) lets chat somemore. we will go out someday aite. if you wished too. :)

Want to have a look @ "Mak Buyung"

2009-04-09T07:38:00.000+08:00

yesterday was out at about 6+pm. haha thanks to ijat who sent me off to ECP. i need to send my mums excercise gear yesterday. i was damn late as i had to delay my time due to a reason that i need to d the chores if i were to take bus at 6+pm what time am i going to reached ECP kan. so this ijat he help me he said he was doing charity work lah kan especially for baby lah. haha. wth! kurang asam kan. but right this ijat was gundu tau. his been riding bike for 1yr plus. he dont know his road well. ape lah nasib. i told him i will buy him a GPS next time to put on his bike. haha. you know what he say i was so JAHAT cause i BAHASE kan dia haha.den when he reached my place to fetch me what happened was when he looked at me i laughed. and he continued my laugh. hahah. ape kecibai ni kite due. but atleast i know the route to ECP if i dont know how to reached there in time. haiyomama! btol lah dekni! haha. on the bike we had chitchat wad make make me cant stop to laugh was when he say "YEAY! ade baby dalam perut!" hahhahaa. i was laughing all along then he actually say "u u kalau i ade doraemon kan i suruh doraemon kecik kan u lepas tu i nak letak kan kat atas motor! cute pe u!" like wth lah kan!! aku dah gemok than he still say i cute. kembang sikit tu ade lah kan but who cares. so ijat he was so sweet lah he send me off then when i asked him after this where his off too. then he said his going back home ape dah. thank you alot2 lah IJAT if u never help me i dont know what time would i reached. itu 2 monster at ECP sudah msg "DAH PAT MANA KUL BRAPE NAK SAMPAI!" like YA ALLAH wait lah. so when i reached ECP i passed mummy's excercise gear and off she goes for her excercise. sorry lah im not the type who excercise. well then left me and daddy at mac. daddy asekd if i have eaten or not. then macam tak tau i say no lah. so i bought myself a meal to eat. MC SPICY MEAL with MILO. wuuuyoooo! sotap! hahah. like its been years like ive never eat. actually i always have junk food like about 3-4 times a week since i was pregnant. BURUK PE! but aku tak PEDULI! now my wait is 60kg haha and my height 155cm cute pe.! ouhkay no shame hahha! so after eating my daddy said "kak yok kak duduk luar sejuk ar duduk kat dalam!". so i said okay!. daddy & i we hardly communicate i dont know why its been since young lah. but i know deep in my heart & daddy's heart we love each other. without mummy & him i wont be in this world right. my family been thru loads of up & down but still going strong. ouh ya back to ijat his off to Taiwan tonight for 2-3 weeks. rindu pe! haish. bare with it lah kan. so ijat if you're reading my blog when you're there TAKE CARE of yourself okay. will be waiting for your return. ouhya KODOK you also going taiwan right TAKE CARE TOO. back to ECP after ECP mummy decide to get back to office awhile to fetch her stuff so while me & daddy waited for her i had some shoots ala not many just a few & daddy was listening to his wireless mp3 cool pe. so here goes some pics of me.

tengok muke dengan eyebag buruk pe.

look at that cute big fat tummy. with baby. :)

behind those happiness there is sorrows. but MOVING ON.

a smile sealed with a kissed. MUAHH!

so thats all for today okay bye. hahaha.!

its been years i have not update.

2009-04-08T15:30:00.000+08:00

its been days tons of days that i last update. well the reason why was because i dont feel like updating though. now that i actually look through the web i saw this Ed Hardy baby diaper bag online. NICE kann!!! must grab already. im now looking for stroller for my upcoming baby. hmm my next check up is so long its on the 12May lama lah kan. i really want to know the gender of my baby so that i can go shopping for baby stuff. JYEAH!! baby stuffs. well nothing more to update. to all my readers yeah been thru alot but i get stronger with every steps i take. all i need is strong support especially from the people around me. YES true enough i have been discriminated by people around me. BADLY so badly but still all i could do was just to put tears rollling down my cheeks. well yesterday there was a story thou, called my ex bf Taufiq the father to the baby tried my luck thou. well he missed called me back. Why Why Why. you guys must be asking why am i calling him back. the reason was that i got news from my daddy my brothers who treat me as a lil sister already knew bout my case and they arent happy with him and for all my daddy know that daddy says "tak kisah dia tinggal mane dia keje mane tapi jangan kasih ayah atau abang2 kau nampak dia kat luar mau nampak dia kat luar takde banyak bebual lagi tau ayah trus kasih tau. tapi kau jangan takut ayah tkkn suruh kau kahwin dgn dia ttp anak kau ayah ngan mama jage!" he said that with an angry voice tau. gosh. so i called my ex bf and tell him just be aware & take care of himself out there. what exactly i said was "kau sendiri mau ingat ape kau dah bikin kat aku k! aku msg kau msg adeq kau mentak duit pergy abortion kau tknk reply tknk kasih kan k terpulang! skrg mak bapak aku and abg aku sume dah tau ni anak sape standby jek k! and ingat kalau aku bersalin dengan selamat kau jangan harap dapt sentuh atau tengok anak kau k!" and he replied "ouh gertak lah ni ehk. ouhkay!" and he wasnt like scared or what he was really HEARTLESS! tak gune nye JANTAN! but like so what ever i dont care anymore cause im moving on. YEAY!! IM SO HAPPY CAUSE NEXT WEEK BABY IS 5MONTH. iloveyou baby!!! mummy gonna be a good & responsible mommy k sayang! weee~

updating.

2009-03-29T16:34:00.000+08:00

25.03.2009

this date was the day i felt that something bads going to happened soon.but i did not actually bothered to look into what was going to happened. things when well for me today cause i pretend things were okay. had a tiff with my soon to be husband. he brought up the story of my ex boyfriend and it was actually wasnt supposed to be in the story at all. WTH! but if you people were to actually be in my shoes and have ever when thru this stage of being pregnant im sur you know bout the mood. if the people out there who has a wife and your wife is pregnant you should know what is feels like and what kind off attitude your wife would give. well its normal though. the tantrum of a women during pregnancy is so unexplainable at times. but for my soon to be husband was like okay since you're not in a mood then i will leave you alone for now. like WTF. and what am i waiting for my mind run wild and i did the same thing i did not call nor msg him at all. not at all. i did not bother too. im here in pain and i got to say sorry to him. to a hell with him. his not not my husband yet though. but after few hours he msg me and asked me what am i doing and all. and i replied to what he asked only. and did not bother to entertain more. thats for the day for this date. its so hard on me you know.

26.03.2009

when i wake up from bed i recieved 3 msg from soon to be hubby. the msg typed first one "Morning dear papa otw werk..anything juz cal papa k?. " second msg sorie lah is aku tk suke kau khawin ngan die...org yg penah aku nampak ngan laki lain tdo n roman depan mata aku...is kalau org lain tkpe lah tapi bukan die aku tk akan gangu kau lah is kau pon nk kahwin kau take care k..aku ngan bdk2 da tawa hati..dalam kite 5 bradij aju igt kau yg paling bagus tapi aku salah..kite hampa ngan kau is..da lah is kite tk akan gangu kau jage diri kau baik bdk marah sebab kite syg kat kau aku tk nk kau jadi mcm aku..oleh ajul n alep." thrid msg knape korg sume condemn die rabak2 ni?? memang lah perangai die rabak! tap 2 sumelame peh story! aku dah betl2 lupekan dah..korg sepatut nye doa yg terbaik untok aku dgn die..n korg sume sepatutnyedoakan supaya die ubah perangaii..bkn condemn die! Ajul..kte manusia lemah dgn kte nye iman..sume manusia ade kesilapan nye..takpe ajul klw korgg sume tk trime dgn aku nye keputusan..klw niat jorg dah tknk ganggu aku lagi..takpe, aku tempoh dgn hidup aku dgn bakal bini aku..mintak maaf kerana aku kasar bahase dgn kau ajul..tapi walau mcm mane pun aku tetap hormat kau sebagai abg kandong aku sendiri.." so when i acutally read the msgs my mind run wild but that was worst then the day before so then i called my hubby and asked what is totally wrong with them. i pity him to get the scolding from me. cause seriously i dont even say that to his wife that his this and that i dont want to talk about what he had done but seriously his just too much. wth!!! i got pissed off the whole day until i did not even had the mood to go out with my friend. and this night i met up with my parents baby was hungry and i ate rice already before that but i vomitted out. again and again. whenever i eat rice i will vomit out baby doesnt like eating rice. hurhur. so i met my parents and we ate mac'donald SEDAP! haha. so i told my parents the story but my parents said ignore them. so i tried ignoring but then. i dont know. things are so really tiring for me this days. but i still held on and having this mind of mine running wild and i dont know what should i do. so it was already late at that point of time i felt tired so i when to sleep.

27.03.2009

i woke up early morning feeling so unusual and still unhappy of what a friend of mine had said to my soon to be hubby. so i msg him directly when am not supposed too cause mum & dad asked to ignored some goes to my hubby but i just cant take it anymore. it insults me too much you know. its my life i never ever want to intefere in their life why should they intefere in my life. so i msg that guy and said " pertama kali au dan isk tkde nk mintak duit hasil korang k aku tkde nk menyusahkan korang punye hidup dan aku tk mintak pun kau ape2. dan bkn korang yg menjodohkan atau menentu kn hdup isk ok. pernah dgr tk peribahasa ni jgn kerane mulut bdn binasa. umur dah makin meningkataku tk ckp aku baik tap sejahat aku dan sesial sesundal ku. aku ttp ade care. aku tk jage tepi kain kau jad aku mintak kau jad laki2 jgn jad kpo ble? N aku pernah terdgr org berkate pd aku nk ckp biar direct jgn ckp blakang tapknape hambe allah ni yg satu tk sedar dr langsung allahwahlam la kn. hdup jgn berpura2 dan jugak jgn jad HYPOCRITE. slm syg lala." that was what i wrote and it lead too A BIG HOOOHAAA. they cannot accept the fact till i they lead me to a fight with huby not a small one but big one and sme goes to hubby and him. and i ended up giving in and said IM LEAVING. I HAD ENOUGH OF IT AND EVERYTHING SO LEAVE DONT BOTHER BOUT ME. IM LIVING MY LIFE WITH BABY AND ME. IM GOING TO BE FINE. SO LEAVE. and then the guy whom i called friend realised and said sorry and not to leave my hubby its not because of leaving its because of future now. no one can accept my baby cause is not hubies baby. so now everything ended. for my side with them. now off to parents. that would be tomorrow.

28.03.2009

this was yesteday. we had a family discussion i let it all out yesterday. and they finally agredd not to get me married. as i wasnt ready yet and things when fine and well. after the whole discussion. my family and i when to ease the stress up. they when to drink they had 4 bottles of chivas with daddys friend around too. i did not drink as you guys know the reason to it. we reached home just now at 730am. nono i dont want it again. im tired. and still tired now though. thats about it. now everythings settled. im now less stressed. tomorrow meeting his family to say that am not ready for evrything and going to explain stuff to them. nice and clear. will update again.

it flies so fast.

2009-03-24T22:56:00.000+08:00

after night prayers my hubby and mother-in-law,his granny & grandad came by to my place. to set the date and seek for permission to be huby wife. well seriously am not ashamed at what had i done nor i feel regret again i repeat cause its just been written for me to face in life. tomorrow going to ROM to register for my marriage with hubby. mummy & daddy took leave for me. thanks mummy & daddy no matter what you're still there for me. im so appreciated. i know no one could appreciate me like how my parents do. even my hubby. well mother-in-law is also following for the registration tomorrow. i got to wake up early morning tomorrow. bahhh brrrp! lazy lah seyy. but what to do i have too. ouhkay enough of that. today my day i dont know i was whole day on the lappy and im searching for my bridal clothes for me & hubby. gosh i and my aunt were like crazy searcing it on the web. GRR~ penat lah sekali. until i actually gave up and i asked my aunt to search for it. hahahah sorry aunt. and today my lunch was thosai i ask granny to buy me thosai sedap lah seyy tak muntah. haha. cause baby agreed to eat. if i were to eat rice i will always vomit back GERAM. baby dont like to eat rice. how like that later dah keluar nevermind i feed my baby everything lah can can can. but when ever i eat long john, mac'donald SEDAP my baby. okok i want to eat feeling hungry baby feeling hungry too. will update about tomorrow. bubye.

its getting nearer.

2009-03-23T23:19:00.000+08:00

its already night. hubby have told his sides. seriously i am not ready for all this. but this is my fate i have to go through it then. i am always praying for the best now. things might not be like how exactly we wanted. now that i have done a mistake we have to accept it. and have no regrets. but i can feel the joy that my baby brought to me in my life. even when its a hard time for me. this is what had written for me on earth and i have to accept it with open arms. i got news from my soon to be hubby Iskhandar. his parents accepted the fate too. and they want to register for marriage this wednesday and tomorrow his parents wants to meet my parents. but seriously i never wanted him to accept me back just for the sake of sympathy cause im scared in the marriage that we are about to go through later on. he would bring up again the matter of my baby is not his. but im ready for what will happen in the later part of life. im willing to put it all to ALLAH S.W.T. wills. here comes another life and a brand new one for me and baby. pray for me that things would be okay. thanks. will update tomorrows outcome.

New book in my life.

2009-03-23T13:50:00.000+08:00

Baby 4months Scanning

here am i starting a new life with an infant of mine. i dont wish to elaborate more on what is what. and whats happening for all i know am doing this for my baby whose now 4months old in me. baby look so tall according to mummy's says. baby now that i have made up my mind to keep you and not abort you makes me feel like talking to you all night like i always do. i have got another 5months to go. to deliver baby and let him see this beautiful world even there is alot of obstacles that it baby has to go through later on. i bet my baby will be much more stronger than i am now. baby you're bringing joy in me. you know how i suffered for 4months when your granny & grandad dont even know that im carrying you. till the day on the 20march when they got to know everything. i felt relieved. your daddy left you & me. i had to suffer 4months on my own when his not around and thats till now until your god-daddy walk into my life to take care of you. now i will pray that you will be safe and sound and things will be happy for the upcoming years to come for you. this i promise you. you will be my life & soul from now on mummy will take god care of you if daddy don't want too. now here and now we will start a new life together okay baby. i love you will update soon on my marriage.